More Waiting...

We had a little surprise in the mail this weekend. It was Tess's background information from our adoption agency. We knew it was coming, but thought we would receive it in a few weeks. I think if we had known it was coming we would have been neurotically checking the mail each day, so it was nice to be surprised.

Unfortunately, since we were not expecting it and it was quite rainy, it was wet. I guess that will just add to the charm when I store it away in her baby box. Not to digress too far, but the baby box is one of the best things I did as a new parent. I purchased a small plastic box a little bigger than a shoe box. That became a place to stash little mementos like the outfit they wore home from the hospital, their hospital id badges, a few cards, baptismal candles, and other reminders of their first few weeks. It was easier than scrap booking (that takes too much time and more skill than I have) as all I had to do was put mementos in a box. I started baby books, and baby calendars. I was not faithful about either, especially for Bophie. The boxes were easy enough that I have been able to keep up with them. My girls already enjoy looking at their baby boxes. I have started collecting these things for Tess as well. I hope to go this week and get her box.

Back to the point...

When we began this journey, I knew that the baby we received would obviously have been abandoned. I had thought about this before we started the adoption and at many times during the process. I have read books about the brave women who give birth to these children, and about what leads them to leave their children. My heart goes out to Tess's birth mother. I have prayed for her and her family throughout our journey. I am thankful she chose to give this child life. The gift she has given our family is profound.

What surprises me is how it felt to read our baby's history -- how intensely it has affected me. It was one thing to think about a child being abandoned, it was quite another to read about our child being abandoned. My heart ached, it is still aching, to comfort and to be with my child. I tried to share a few details of her finding with friends at Mass today, but I couldn't. I cried every time I thought of Tess waiting for us. I saw little children eating donuts and I thought of Tess, not sure if she was getting enough to eat. I looked through bins of children's clothing to find the perfect dress for my Bophie and I thought about the clothes Tess was wearing when she was brought to the orphanage. They had been described as worn. I looked at a baby picture of Bear and thought of Tess only weighing half what Bear weighed -- how vulnerable she must have been.

How intensely I feel for her. Knowing more of the details of her life, I feel this profound connection between us. I knew the wait to see her face would be long and arduous, but once we had seen her beautiful pictures and read her background information, I expected this time would fly. It is busy and overwhelming (how do you pack for two weeks in one suitcase that can only weigh 42 pounds?). It isn't going fast though. I want to be there now. I want to hold her. I know looking back this time will be a small blip on our adoption journey, but today it feels too long.